Big emotions come in little packages...

     If I had to use one word to describe motherhood it would be overwhelming. I thought I had sufficiently prepared before having Eisley, but I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. I am completely overwhelmed by how much love I feel every single day. I honestly have no idea how to describe it to people that don't have children because it simply just changes everything. I always think of the book "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" where in the end it says his heart grew three sizes that day. I'm convinced that the second you have a baby a huge vault in your heart is opened up, one that you never knew was there before. Your capacity to love something and someone other than yourself is inexplicably changed. I thought I loved my husband, but seeing him interact with our little girl has made me love and respect him in a whole new way that I didn't even know was missing. I am in awe of this beautiful, intelligent, and perfectly innocent little person that we prayed for and were subsequently blessed with. 

     I'm overwhelmed by how many things I said I would or wouldn't do as a mom that I did a complete 180 on once she got here. I didn't realize how much of my life I would spend second guessing myself and agonizing over the smallest decisions just hoping I would do the right thing. I didn't know google would become my best friend and my worst enemy. I didn't know you could feel your intelligence draining away one minute (thanks mommy brain) but have deep philosophical thoughts the next about how you want to change the world for your baby or about how you need to teach them the right traits and values to truly make a difference. I didn't believe in maternal instinct until I was up at 3 am staring at my tiny newborn praying that I could protect her from the dangers of the world. We've been through our share of trials and triumphs, and we've learned so much about each other and about ourselves along the way. 

     Most of all, I wasn't prepared for all of the contradictory emotions. You're dying for them to crawl, and wishing they would hold still. You are so frustrated they won't leave you alone, but you cuddle them when they are asleep because you immediately miss them. Today during church Eisley walked for the first time. It was so hard not to clap and jump up and down with praise for her in the middle of a solemn sacrament meeting. Every milestone she reaches brings a new flood of conflicting feelings. I am so proud and filled with joy when she learns something new, but in that same moment I am reminded that my precious tiny baby is changing forever. Sometimes I find myself clinging to each moment as I snuggle her; smelling her sweet baby smell, kissing her perfectly chubby cheeks, and feeling completely overwhelmed by how much I love her. Sometimes it feels like more than my heart can handle. Now I know where are the sentimental old ladies come from; I'm already there and my journey has just begun. I don't ever want to forget her sweet baby snores, her soft, fine baby hair, the chunky thighs, and her fluffy little hands grasping mine. 

     When I wake up in the morning I am going to have a one year old. It's incredible to think about how big of an impact such a tiny little person can make. This year I've learned a lot about how NOT to be a mom, and a little about how to be a great one. In the end, this year was mostly just about learning to embrace this new, crazy kind of love. I am so proud of this little sweet spirit I have been given to teach and adore. I thank the Lord every day that I have her; she is one of the most beautiful blessings in my life.

     

So think of me as I kiss my sleeping baby goodnight tonight. I'm also kissing my baby's first year goodbye and looking forward to what each new year with her will bring.